As I was making dinner last week, I accidently pressed my “radio” button twice and picked up the television station that aired the Oprah Winfrey show instead of the classical station. Normally I wouldn’t give my attention to the show, but what I heard that evening piqued my curiosity. I listened. Oprah was asking: “Can you be a great mother and a successful career woman? Can women have it all?” You can read more about this show here.
I have been pondering some of the things I heard and would like to come at this question from a Christian standpoint. There were some interesting things said by the women on Oprah’s panel.
Entering the Work Force
It seemed to me that the heart of the argument for women joining the workforce could be summed up in three words: What about me? This sounds like a philosophy that is prevalent in our society. But do Christian women think this way too? Unfortunately, it is all too true. Is this really what our reasoning should be? Should Christian mothers feel unfulfilled? I understand that some women have no choice in the matter: death of a spouse, abandonment, insurance needs, etc. They have to work. I’m not going to address this. What I am going to ask those mothers who choose to go back to work is this: What is your motive in going back to work? One woman in Oprah’s panel of mothers said, “I did not get the kind of satisfaction that I wanted to, so I went back to work. I can’t imagine going back to being a stay-at-home mom.” Is that why we are here on earth? For satisfaction in life? Our reason here on earth is to glorify God, not ourselves. While living the Christian life can be full of great joy, is it only attainable while living life within His circle of blessing. Blessing (and for that matter, satisfaction) is only possible through obedience; obedience to His Word & His will. What is God’s will concerning you and the responsibility of your children?
Another woman on the show argued, “If you don’t have something that is your own, then your kids become everything. And you need to make that separation about what you’re doing for your kids and what you’re doing for yourself.” Can stay-at-home moms become child-centered? Absolutely. Children should not become the center of a mother’s universe. God should. But life isn’t all about us; it is about Christ. There are eternally important issues to be dealt with while staying at home as a mother. You are influencing the next generation of Christians. I would argue that that is important in and of itself. It is extremely rewarding to watch your children make wise choices, to sing about the Lord, to learn His Word and go on and serve Him. We don’t do that for us, we do it for God’s glory.
One woman stated, “I regret [that] by staying at home, so much of me was given to my children and to my family that I kind of got put on the back burner…But what about me now? What about what I gave up? I want a part of me back.” Christ lived a selfless life. He gave the ultimate gift: His life. The Bible tells us to “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” (Phil.2:4) Paul said “not seeking mine own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.” (I Cor. 10:33) God has only called one person to be the mother of your children, and that is you. As I’ve said before on this blog, it is an honor and a sobering responsibilty. Don’t look at motherhood as something that is robbing you of your joy, your career opportunities, your contribution to society. Look at it as a blessing from God and an opportunity to give selflessly. The time will come all too soon when you will have no children to care for and plenty of time to use your God-given talents.
Staying at Home
Some of you might argue that stay-at-home moms might also need to think through their philosophies. I agree. Staying at home lends itself to more freedom than the 9-5 time clock jobs other women hold. That doesn’t mean that the freedom should be abused. Television and video games also replace the mommy too often even in the Christian home. Stay-at-home moms can fall prey to the philosophy that “they need a break” or “they need to get away.” While it’s nice to have a breather here and there, we have to be careful that we have the right motives. The same temptation is there: “What about me?” Do we consider it a drudgery to take care of our little blessings? Do we have a martyr’s complex? Take advantage of the time available to teach your children while you are home together. Don’t let the internet, telephone, novels and television take the place of quality time spent with your children.
Oprah says. “I say you can have it all. You just can’t have it all at the same time.” I agree with her to a point. My definition of “having it all” is obviously going to come from a different mindset. What should my priorities be? I like what a godly lady once told me in an email regarding priorities. I have kept this email and looked at it frequently. I think it is extremely applicable to this very discussion.
“God Himself is at the center of life, self wrapped around Him at every point, and then He works out His will through us into the various areas of our life wheel. The size of the wheel segments and the portion of the wheel that must necessarily bear the most weight (focus) vary from stage to stage…In each instance of choice, our spirit should be, ‘What would you have me to do, Lord?’
“While a young mother, of course, needn’t withdraw from public ministry involvement completely, her life wheel is definitely at the point of greatest concentration upon her children, the ‘heritage of the Lord’ entrusted to her and her husband. This is the time when the term, ‘keepers at home’ is most greatly to be in force.”
May God help us to keep our priorities and philosophies aligned with God and His Word.
If you want to know how women in America are thinking: watch Oprah. Crystal, here are some thoughts on your thoughts (about Oprah):
The “What about me?” syndrome. Yes, I agree that the “self” obession permeates all areas of our culture. Because we’ve become so isolated, and cut ourselves off from meaningful relationships with our families and churches, our individual “selves” are extremely important. I don’t, however, think the answer is, necessarily, to suck up our hard lot in life and give up the glamour of a career.
Let’s face it, without redemption in this world, a stay-at-home-mom is a servant, cook, and housekeeper. It’s redemption that restores the dignity of womanhood and gives glory and meaning to the offices of wife, mother, and keeper of the home. Without redemption, being a wife can be demeaning, or, in our culture, being a wife is simply getting oneself in to a self-fulfilling relationship, which usually turns out to be very non-fulfilling. It’s God’s grace that makes us co-heirs of the grace of life, that creates a mysterious union worthy to be compared with Christ and the church, and that blesses our work to the extent that our husbands, children, and friends call us “blessed.”
In that context, we would never give up “home” for “workplace.” That would be like giving up a Queenship to makes shakes at Dairy Queen. A Christian woman may work or have a job, but she knows that her happiness and fulfillment come from serving those she loves and doing her important part in advancing God’s kingdom. It’s sad that a woman’s role is so little respected that women feel they need to find fulfillment by making money and seeking the respect of strangers. I wonder how the woman who “lost” herself by giving to her husband and children is going to “find” herself in the workplace.
The point is: it’s not that we “sacrifice” to stay home, but that we understand what we’re really doing there. I’d rather not take a legalistic “women can never get a job” stance, but rather, focus on understanding and appreciating the great work that is done at home. Only by faith can we really understand the importance of this work and only by faith can we know that the only way to “find” ourselves is to “lose” ourselves in service for others.
For the power of paradox opens our eyes, and blinds those who say they can see. – Michael Card
“we understand what we’re really doing there”
Exactly. While I will not take the “legalistic” view that women should not enter the workforce, the whole point of this article is for us to examine our reasonings behind WHY we do what we do. Our motive. A stay-at-home mom as well as a career woman can have wrong motives. Our motive in life should be to glorify God. In keeping that in the forefront of our minds, we can have a joyful life of service no matter where God plants us.
I know that I am not going to change the world by this simple article. The world and its philosophy needs the cleansing of Christ.
What I am wanting to do is challenge Christian women to strive to please God in our thinking. Do we have a Biblical worldview? I stated: “While living the Christian life can be full of great joy, is it only attainable while living life within His circle of blessing. Blessing (and for that matter, satisfaction) is only possible through obedience; obedience to His Word & His will. What is God’s will concerning you and the responsibility of your children?” Joy is found in serving Christ. There is no drudgery in serving Him.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must joyfully go and roll my three-year olds’ Play Doh into a ball for the millionth time.
This reminded me of something funny. A few years ago, we hosted a “ladies” retreat at a camp in Wyoming. The manager of a spa/salon in town agreed to come out and give free haircuts, facials, and pedicures in exchange for the free advertisement. After serveral sessions on godliness, true beauty, and our obligation to serve others, the spa came to set up. They hung up a GIANT banner across the room with the name of their salon: ALL ABOUT ME. We got to see that banner the rest of the day and it was terribly funny.
An interesting topic! I enjoy diverseness of perspective too. So how do we moms measure success at home? It is so much easier to measure success in the workplace. Also, how do we measure whether we are giving enough time to our children?
I for one love my career and being mom. At the moment I am finding a place for both in my life. My husband encourages me to develop and use the talents the Lord has given me and not to tuck them away while I’m raising children. I am sure that Crystal is doing exactly what God wants her to do at this time in her life too and that is wonderful. Her career is being a pastor’s wife and her calling is being her children’s mom.
I wouldn’t underestimate the importance of happiness in the home either. A happy mom makes a happy family and as the saying goes, “When mama ain’t happy, nobody ain’t happy!” Phillipians is the book in the Bible I go to when I need to realine my perspective about living a joyous life.
As a teacher, I notice that happy parents have happy children regardless of whether the child is from a divorced home or not. Also, I don’t see a correlation between the happiness and sense of fulfillment in a mom and whether she is a stay-at-home mom or in the workforce.
I love to be surrounded by cheerful people and that helps me to be cheerful. Is your job in the workforce lifting or knocking your joyful spirits? The same question could be asked of the stay-at-home mom. Being happy also has a lot to do with what we think upon during the day. It is a discipline of the mind to focus on the beautiful and the lovely. I also notice that unhappy people are most often ungrateful people. I think this is a topic that has been address several times before on this blog, but worth mentioning again.
Having a sense of fulfillment is another aspect of being happy. Being a mom is a long-term goal and we can’t always have that long-range perspective in mind when the day-to-day tasks get monotonous and overwhelming. However, planning something exciting each week can help peak you and your child’s interests. Having something to look forward to helps moms to focus on the beautiful things about being mom rather than the mundane tasks.
For instance, yesterday my son and I went out to lunch at Subway and afterward went to the park for an hour. It was a beautiful day and that outing was our highlight of the day. While at Subway I observed both people working and career people in line to order sandwiches. Some looked like happy people and some didn’t. The wonderful thing about being a stay-at-home mom is that each day can be different and you can plan and be in control not only of your week with your children, but also your mindset and attitude. With this freedom comes great responsibility to use this time wisely!
jmulf,
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
I think something you said is very key. God has given you GREAT talent musically. I remember listening to you and thinking that years ago! Your husband is “dwelling with his wife according to knowledge” and encouraging you to “use the talents the Lord has given [you] and not to tuck them away while [you're] raising children.” I’m sure you gave your decision much consideration before jumping headlong into bigger musical responsibilities.
My “career” if you will is on hold. I am not getting paid to do anything that I do. I do have a degree and have used it in a paid position up until our twins were born. Since I have a degree in music education, you can bank on the fact that I am being used in a large capacity in our church music ministry. That brings great joy. I am striving to use my talents for God’s glory. There is “satisfaction” and “fulfillment” in that. The “education” part of my degree is being used at home in planning out my day, writing my own Sunday school curriculum, and nurturing my children’s desire to learn. (I hope my enthusiasm will spark in them a thirst for knowledge of both academics and spiritual things.) I also am able to evaluate the homeschooled children in our church since I am certified here in Maine. None of these things were touched on in college, but I find my classes have been helpful in training me for these situations. Though neither of these would be considered “a career”, I still feel as though I am using my education in a great way.
Happiness: Jamie, do you ever get sick of seeing grumpy moms? Do you ever watch them and wonder if they have lost the joy of being a mom? I see it in both career moms and stay-at-home moms. I hope I never become that. You had another great statement here: “It is a discipline of the mind”. We could easily fall into having the martyrs’ complex. Satan would love for stay-at-home moms to become discontent and think that they are not contributing to the betterment of society. True happiness can only be found through Jesus Christ.
Measuring success at home: I’m still working on that. I know it doesn’t have to do with how clean a house you have, how many piece of china you have in your china hutch, or how perfect your kids are. If it was, I would be a failure for sure. I think we have to evaluate if everything is done to the best of our ability and for God’s glory. I am continually asking myself if I use my time wisely, am I being a loving, understanding and supportive wife, am I discipling my children and showing them how to live a Christian life? Am I striving to please God in all that I do? I think that can go for the home and the workplace. What do you think?
Thanks Crystal for your kind words. Everyone has gifts and talents and it sounds like you are using your for your church and home. That is terrific.
I guess I don’t associate having a career with making money like most people do. Sound strange? So much of what a music career means to me is hours of unpayed practicing or composing/arranging/orchestrating, tedious hours of getting something ready for publish, making my own CD’s hoping someday to get on a big CD label, paying to take auditions in orchestras and competitions (and the flights and hotel expenses that go along with it with no compensation or assurance of winning anything), hiring musicians to perform with me in concert and in recording studios, studying abroad and with world famous people, and on and on it goes. Sound expensive? It is, and it is also very hard to focus primarily on family life while seemingly chasing the wind and feeling like it is never quite enough unless it is your entire life.
That is why a year ago, I decided to focus on having a home business rather than pursuing a career. Now my hours are much more managable and I don’t have the pressure of traveling and booking concerts, etc. and keeping up with the status of other people’s performance careers. My competition days are over unless it is local, (no more flights with my pianist to compete internationally!) and in a real sense I’m putting my career on the back burner too. I perform with a non-paying orchestra and perform solo about once every couple of months, but I mostly just cover my expenses. It is a lot like how you are using your talents where you can for now.
There is a season and a time for everything! And I’m so much happier for it too! Every now and then God brings some little project for me to undertake, and it is just enough to keep my skills sharp and ready for His service. Isn’t that what a career should be about afterall? That way we can blossom where we are planted and be shining lights in an otherwise dark world.
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