Maybe that’s not what I want after all

Why is it that as soon as we get what we want, we suddenly decide that we don’t really want it after all? This afternoon, my mother watched my 11-month-old son, Jonah, while I picked blueberries.

This is the same 11-month-old son who, from the time he was about 6 weeks old simply refused to be held and comforted by anyone but me. My husband would try to calm him; my mom would try to calm him; nursery workers would try to calm him. He wouldn’t have any of it. There have been many nights–especially at 2:00 a.m.–where I wished he would be as content to fall asleep with my husband rocking him as he was with me. Ther have been many church services when, after being paged AGAIN, I wished he could settle for someone else.

Over time, Jonah has begun to do better with other people, but he has still strongly prefered me. Until today. When I returned from picking blueberries and took him from my mom, he cried. And when he awoke early from his nap, he wanted nothing to do with me, but is at this very moment sleeping quite contentedly with my Mom in the her recliner.

You would think I’d be elated. But I wasn’t. My initial thought was “Hey, I’m your mom. You’re supposed to love me best. Maybe I’ve not been a very good mom lately if my own son doesn’t want to come to me from his grandma. ” Fortunately good sense kicked in, and I’m enjoying a few extra free minutes. But the whole experience got me thinking about human nature–our desire for our own way and our dissatisfaction when we finally get it. 

So often we think we know what we want–we think we know best what will make us happy. And when we don’t get our own way–when, for example, we don’t get to marry who we thought we were going to,  when we can’t conceive the children we so desparately long for, when our houses don’t sell as quickly as we think they should, or when an opportunity for ministry doesn’t pan out–we cry, we sulk, we get depressed, we beg God to change His mind. Basically, we tend to act as if God truly has no clue what He is doing–as if we think He really needs to consult us to figure out the best paths for our lives. And then eventually, we submit to God’s plan for us (usually reluctantly), and come to the realization that it was God’s mercy that kept us from getting our own way–that His plan was indeed better after all. Or we pursue what we want, get it, and realize we don’t want it–that His plan was indeed better after all.

I know I’ve been there many times.  So many times, actually, that I think I’m beginning to learn that I don’t REALLY want my own way. No matter how badly I want (or I think I need) a situation to turn out a certain way, God’s plan truly is better–for me, for those around me, and for Him to be glorified in my life.

I remember how at one point in my life when I was really struggling with letting go of a dream I thought defined me, God showed me very clearly just how much I don’t want my own way. I was reading through the prophetic books in the OT at the time, and noticed how many times the Lord punished His people simply by letting them go their own way. Our own way, though it seems to promise so much, is a path to self-destruction.

Though I still struggle at times, when things don’t go the way I think they should, I have begun to ask the Lord never to let me go my own way–no matter how I beg, plead, kick, or scream. What I think I want is so often not really what I want at all.